Can you remember just how much you live in the moment when babies are little?
I was thinking today, whilst in a moment of calm during my work day, how I sometimes miss those hectic first few months with a baby.
Despite all the worry, sleep deprivation, vomit everywhere, leaking and laundry, one of the best bits about those first few months is just how in the moment you are, all day long. Babies force you to live in their moment. They're hungry, cold, tired, covered in poo, NOW, and they want you to fix it. They are smiling at you now, or snuggling into your shoulder, or needing to be burped, or shushed back to sleep. And in your life too, their needs become the most important thing.
Now that I have a bit of my life back again, part of me [not all thankfully, as I still have a lot of kid stuff to think about] has started to do what I used to do pre-baby years, which was to think and worry endlessly about whether I am doing enough with my life, why my career isn't where I thought it would be, whether everyone else is having way more fun than me, is my husband happy, do my friends really like me, and so on and on and on.
In those first few months and maybe even first year or so of looking after your baby, you literally don't have time for those thoughts, or I didn't anyway. I mean, I had thoughts about how jealous I was that my husband got to leave the house and have a career - but then they would go again as one of my babies transported me back into the now. Each day I would go to sleep feeling a sense of achievement at the smallest things, getting out of the house without losing my cool, getting them to try one new food, or complete a jigsaw for the first time, or getting them to sleep without the boob.
A lot of the time, not having space for anything else feels exhausting, selfless, unfair and lonely. But for me there was also a release and a simple satisfaction in not having that extra headspace to worry about myself, only to focus on keeping them alive and happy for one more day.
Without sounding too 'live laugh love'..., we really do only ever have the one moment we are currently living in, nothing in the future that we plan out for ourselves is guaranteed, and I love that tiny children make you live that out without even trying.
Am I making any sense or am I the only one to feel like this?!
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