Did I make that phrase up? I’m sure someone much more clever than me coined it and you’re thinking I’m an idiot for thinking otherwise!!*
As I’ve got older it’s a term that I’ve come to repeat to myself more and more. In my twenties there was so many things I didn’t do because I didn’t think I would be perfect at them. So many opportunities missed out on because of the fear of not being the best.
I’m currently reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and it is a bit of a life changing read. Elizabeth talks about pursuing a life of creativity purely for the joy and fulfilment of doing something, doing the thing that you love. Not because you want to get rich, or get a million Instagram followers, or save the world, or prove a point to someone, but purely and, actually, only because you enjoy it. It seems so obvious when you hear it spoken or see the words on paper, but if we are always doing things for one of these secondary reasons, then your real motivation is pushed aside and what you produce won't be true to you. If 'success' was to follow then it could move you away from the creating or doing that actually brings you joy. And if success wasn't to follow then you would feel a failure.
Now I’m a mum I think about it all the time, but the focus is different. What type of mum do I want to be to my kids. What type of person do I want to be now I'm a mum?
My daily lists are so long and I'm constantly thinking I need to get onto the next thing for my kids. Sometimes I wander from room to room thinking about all the tidying that should be done, that drawer needs a clear out, the shorts that need mended, the wellies that ought to be given away, the birthday cards that need to be written, the healthy nutritious dinner that I should be preparing. What I’ve come to realise recently is that a to do list is never ending. This is true of a lot of people but I think any Mum's to do list is particularly long. We‘ll always be thinking of one more thing we should be doing for our kids. That’s just how our love works.
But I don't want to be a mum who is simply the sum of all these actions. I want them to see me bringing joy into my own life. Yes I have to do all those things above, but I also want them to see me focussing on doing the things that bring me joy, having perspective on what is important and not letting the endless to-do lists take up all my brain space.
So before having kids, my brain was full of reasons why I wouldn't be able to do or achieve things that I might want to, or that other people had already achieved. For the last 3.5 years I've used my to-do lists as an excuse not to pursue anything further.
From now on I'm going to do two things differently. I'm going to champion myself when I do tick things off my to-do list, because actually, that brings me joy and I love to do things for my kids. But I'm not going to use them as an excuse not to pursue my own joy, like writing or training to be a Doula. Basically I'm going to try and find the joy in doing anything I enjoy rather than worrying about how the doing of it it will make me look, whether it's successful or not, or whether I have enough time in a day filled with chores.
*I googled it and now I feel like a total arse as apparently it was a philosopher called Voltaire who said it in 1770!!
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